Jourdan Virginia
"Jourdan, What Are The Best Relationship Resources?"
Resources For Setting Boundaries...
Enabling 101
Stop Fixing Other People's Mistakes
This article is a fantastic read for those that find themselves bending over backwards to fix other's mistakes. Are you that person?
You care SO much that you try and prevent your partners, friends, and family from experiencing painful consequences...
you're always the "go to" for bailing someone out and willing to set your needs aside for someone else.
Read why you preventing them from feeling the rock bottom actually HURTS them in the long run.
Boundaries
by Henry Cloud
Do you feel like you struggle with saying "No"? Do you feel guilty if you tell someone you cannot do what they've asked of you? Are you a people pleaser? Are you maxing yourself out on a daily basis to try and keep up with everyone's requests?
Do you struggle to draw a boundary when someone has hurt you or overstepped?
Boundaries ARE the lifeline to having healthier relationships.
They aren't about being mean or blocking people out, but instead about creating healthier dynamics in relationships so they can go deeper and last longer.
This is the ULTIMATE book about Boundaries, and you're going to love it. A great book AND great on audible!
Codependent No More
by Melody Beattie
A" Codependent" is someone who gets their self worth from others, finds themselves depending on someone needing them, and tends to fall into controlling relationships.
Do you hesitate on setting future plans for your life, and put them on hold until you see the direction others are headed first? Stop the "needing to be needed", find your backbone, and find the healthy balance of dependency AND independence in your relationships.
Your needs deserve to be respected, and you don't HAVE to be anxious in relationships.
If you feel like you depend on others for your self worth, and find yourself needing constant approval, this book is going to change your freaking life.
Resources For Conflict...
Conflict Cycle
George Faller
Think you and your partner's arguments are unique or "worse" than others? Well, they aren't, I assure you that. This video showcases the kind of fight cycle we ALL have with our partners.
There is the pursuer, the one that insists on continuing the argument to reach a solution. And, there is the withdrawer, the one that pulls away when the conversation gets heated to try and protect you both from disconnecting completely.
These cycles spiral out of control quickly, and usually get sparked by something ridiculous.
There is a root fear for the pursuer AND withdrawer, and knowing that can change your entire argument pattern.
Watch this video and you'll both cringe and laugh at realizing how similar this man's fight with his wife is to you and your partner's regular cycle.
Difficult Partners
Why we choose difficult partners
There is a reason we choose difficult partners and why we have the MOST chemistry for these difficult people over and over again.
This short video is going to get those brain juice flowing and start kicking in some major awareness for your patterns and why you are attracted to the people that you are!
We've got to learn to respond DIFFERENTLY in our adult relationships than we did to the same kinds of challenges as kids.
This is going to show you how much you are NOT in control of who you pick as a partner!
(And show you what part you can control, thank goodness!)
Wired for Love
by Stan Tatkin
This is my favorite couples book (hence why you'll find it on this page TWICE!)
If you want to stop arguing, there are 10 important principles to start applying to your relationship ASAP. Each chapter is a different principle, and I have seen this book single handedly start to shift strained marriages within weeks!
I recommend getting two copies, getting cozy in bed in the evenings and reading side by side, then working on the questions at the end of each chapter together!
You're going to thank me for this one later when you have a whole new way of looking at your relationship!
Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson
This book is the OG book for the approach I use with couples in private practice (called Emotionally Focused Therapy)!
Sue Johnson, the author, is literally a genius and her trainings are what made me realize that had I had this information years ago, I could have saved my past romantic 6 or 4 year relationship... AND it is the reason that I've been able to pull off an amazing relationship with my forever partner, Ryan.
This book will take you through the conflict cycles, the root causes of the fighting, and HOW to actually get out of them. It's a fantastic book that lays out a nice road map in getting you and your partner out of the downward spiral that conflict throws us all into.
(PS: I would recommend reading this with a physical copy over audible)
Arguments
School of Life
The School of Life is one of the best all around resources for all things relationships, career, anxiety, and all other things that we ACTUALLY should have learned in school at some point.
This "Arguments" book is all about the clever twist on arguing in relationships, why it's so common, all the myths and misunderstandings that go along with it, and how to free you and your partner from it!
Also, this book looks pretty fantastic and decorative too, so feel free to read it and then sit it out on a coffee table for an easy refresher!
Resources For Vulnerability...
Vulnerability Ted Talk
Brené Brown
One word, WOW. This 20 minutes will be a pretty giant game changer for you and your perspective on what it means to be vulnerable in relationships.
All of us are afraid to share and be "too much", and always afraid to cross that scary line in relationships where we feel truly vulnerable enough to get hurt.
This video will cover what happens when we numb emotions and repress feelings, and how ultimately it is setting us up for a life full of regrets.
Prepare to laugh and cry, you'll see.
Daring Greatly
Brene Brown
This book is one of my VERY favorite books in the whole universe of books. If I had to have ONE book for EVERYONE to read, it would probably be this one.
If you've ever thought: "Vulnerability is weakness," "I'm not good enough or _____ enough," "I don't want to be a burden or obligation," "I can handle things alone," or "I showcase a surface level of confidence, but deep down feel super insecure."
Then this book IS going to change your life. If you ever thought you were the "ONLY" one that felt this way, you're wrong and you'll be thankful that you were.
I love this book in the physical copy, AND I've had lots of clients (especially the males) absolutely love it on audible. So, download it and listen to it on your commute, it will literally change your life and your relationships.
Unleash Joy Potential
Ted Talk
Did you know that feeling joy is actually pretty freaking vulnerable?
To feel joy, we have to allow ourselves to feel happy, to feel hopeful - and when we actually feel that, we then quickly try to find a surface to "knock on wood" so that we don't "jinx" what is happening in our lives.
This is a short video that we ALL have time to watch, and if you feel uncomfortable watching it, it may be because you haven't let yourself feel JOY in a while.
Expand yourself, challenge yourself, and push play.
Listening to Shame
Brené Brown
Shame is the WORST. Don't know what shame is? You know that voice in your head that says: "You aren't good enough, you aren't lovable, you are too much, you'll never be enough, you'll always be abandoned, you'll always be rejected, you just weren't wired for relationships..." -->
That voice, that is SHAME. It blocks us from closeness in relationships, it sabotages our relationships, and it destroys vulnerable connections.
The antidote? You've got to grab shame by it's throat (per se) and address it head on. Keeping it in isolation and ignoring it only causes it to grow bigger and larger.
Starting point? This video. Next? Read that Daring Greatly book in this section :)
A Call to Courage
Brené Brown
This woman (that has been mentioned several times in this section) created a Netflix Special that is INCREDIBLY moving and sparks the connection on bravery and vulnerability.
If you REALLY are a "go-getter" and someone who wants to take risks and live a life worth living, then this video is going to expose what is holding you back, causing to sit in the "cheap seats", and tells you what to do to start engaging fully in your life because no one wants to just watch your dreams pass by!
This is also a great starting point, and Next? Read that Daring Greatly book!
Resources For Feeling Secure in Relationships...
Wired for Love
Stan Tatkin
This is my favorite couples book (hence why you'll find it on this page TWICE!)
If you want to feel more secure and confident in your relationship and you want it to look more like the #relationshipgoals in real life (rather than just on social media), there are 10 important principles to start applying to your relationship ASAP. Each chapter is a different principle, and I have seen this book single handedly start to shift strained marriages within weeks!
I recommend getting two copies, getting cozy in bed in the evenings and reading side by side, then working on the questions at the end of each chapter together!
You're going to thank me for this one later when you have a whole new way of looking at your relationship!
What's My Style?
School of Life
If you want to know why you either:
1) Always feel like the one that cares the MOST in relationships, feel like you're the one going above and beyond for your partner, leaning in, "loving louder...." And you always feel like you wrongly get labeled as "needy" or "clingy"...
OR
2) Always feel like your partner wants MORE than you can give, that your partner doesn't respect your need for space and independence, and being too leaned in on each other makes you feel uncomfortable... And you wrongly get labeled as being "cold, distant, dismissive, and heartless..."
WATCH this short video and learn which style of attachment YOU have in relationships, and what being healthy actually looks like.
PS: The "Wired for Love" book refers to these types of attachments as Waves, Anchors, and Islands. You'll love Chapter 3 and 4 ;)
How to Cope
With an Avoidant Partner
Feel like you're the one in the relationship super leaned in and your partner is avoidant of intimacy and vulnerability?
Are you tired of asking for what you feel like you deserve in a relationship and getting dismissed anyways?
Here is how to cope with an avoidant partner and how to achieve the closeness you want withOUT triggering their lean out.
Couples Workbook
School of Life
The School of Life strikes again with the BEST Couples Workbook. You can write in this and go through it together - and man, the "ah ha" moments you're going to have.
This is quicker and cheaper than therapy, so what are you waiting for? Pour a glass of wine or some fancy sparkling water, buy a real nice pen, and start going through it together!
This is going to lead to less conflict, more awareness over why you've fallen into the patterns that you have with one another, and how to get back onto an equal playing field and feel like teammates that are really "in love" again!
Resources For Relationship Myths...
Relationship Myths
Alain De Botton, “On Love”
Set aside just one short hour and prepare to laugh AND have some huge "ah ha" moments as you realize how many romantic relationship myths you've been believing in ALL this time that have been royally messing up your partnerships!
Find out why you are drawn to the SAME people over and over again, have the most chemistry for all the "problematic" individuals, the truth about soulmates and compatibility, and what the real secret is to choosing the "right" person and having a long term forever relationship with the (yes, where you're actually happy).
The Wrong Person
Why You Will Marry The Wrong One
Guess what? No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS end up marrying the WRONG person. Seriously, whether you go with the "love at first sight" or you make a super logical decision about being with a "healthy" person, you're going to choose wrong every.single.time.
Take in this short 20 minute video on why this is the case, and how you can win this messy game.
If you want to be in control of feeling like you've really ended up with the RIGHT and BEST person, watch this.
Your Brain In Love
Helen Fischer
Why do we have a honeymoon phase? Why does it have to end? Is it possible to feel "in love" and obsessed with each other FOREVER?
Your only 20 minutes away from understanding why the beginning looks the way it does, and what you CAN do to actually drag out the honeymoon phase into 20+ years of marriage with someone.
Why You Will
Marry the Wrong Person
Guess what? No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS end up marrying the WRONG person. Seriously, whether you go with the "love at first sight" or you make a super logical decision about being with a "healthy" person, you're going to choose wrong every.single.time.
Read this short classy looking book on why this is the case, and how you can win this messy game.
If you want to be in control of feeling like you've really ended up with the RIGHT and BEST person, watch this.
PS: This is my FAVORITE wedding gift to get my friends and family, read it and it will become your "go-to" as well ;)
Years Together: Quantity vs Quality
Movie: “Hope Springs”
This is one of the ONLY movies I have ever watched that ACTUALLY is realistic about what marriage looks like.
Just because a couple has been married for a large about of QUANTITY of years, does NOT mean that they were QUALITY.
If you're going to be with someone for a long long time, you should be enjoying yourself.
See Steve Carrel play a couples therapist, and get a real glimpse into what marriage actually looks like later in the game after lots of commitment --> And what is important to work on NOW in your relationships.
36 Questions
That Lead to Love
These 36 questions come from a scientific experiment and were later named "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love" -- HOW you might ask?
Well, the questions range in vulnerability and slowly become more in depth as you go along. The experiment pulled together two members of the opposite sex and had these two strangers sit down, answer all 36 questions back and forth with one another, and then engage in 4 minutes of eye contact (whoaaa, vulnerable). And you know what happened? MOST of them fell in love and ended up in a relationship after the experiment was over with.
There's an article in the New York Times on this study and it's a super fun game to play on one of the early dates with someone that you see potential with!
There are 3 stages of the questions, and I think it's fun to have stage 1 be a happy hour spot, stage 2 be your dinner spot, and stage 3 be finding another spot for dessert! There's lots of ways to spread out this date, have fun with it and don't forget to do the eye contact at the end!
Relationship Reboot
Conversations to help rekindle love.
This is one of my FAVORITE card decks for couples to get!
The sets up the sweetest and most romantic date to do at home, and the questions are designed to bring you closer together.
I've had so many couples (including my partner and I) become so leaned in after doing these! They are fun to answer, and they will give you SO much insight into things you NEED to know and understand about your partner.
These are ESPECIALLY good if you have felt like your relationship has needed a "reboot" lately.
Connect
A card game to foster connection
Another card deck that I love having couples go through together!
These questions are all designed around connecting the two of you and reminding you both of why YOU matter to one another.
There are categories of questions ranging from: Growth, Desire, Appreciation, Aspiration, and Forgiveness.
There is a dice to roll, and you pick a card from whichever category that lands face up!
This can easily turn into a whole evening of fun with your partner, and you will genuinely feel SO connected when you are done playing!
The Marriage Box
Secrets to a successful marriage
I absolutely love this Marriage Box from The School of Life!
There are 40 or so thick gorgeous pages with gold writing that are titled with a KEY tip and concept that make the difference between a "blah" marriage and a THRIVING ROMANTIC IN LOVE Marriage. (And, each one is written in a super "cheeky" way that you'll grin at as you're reading)
My partner and I love reading (and re-reading these) as we sip coffee on the couch in the morning and talk about each of these concepts, how they show up in our relationship, and where we can see others around us falling into common myths and false thought patterns.
This Marriage Box talks about Pessimism (and how you need a little), Affairs, Crushes, Sex, Other People's Marriages, Date Nights, and the things you shouldn't take for granted.
You'll love this, you'll leave it out on your coffee table, and you'll find yourself re-buying it and gifting it to others!
8 Dates
Eight Dates Essential Conversations
This is SUCH a fun book! Each chapter is beyond easy to read and zoom through.
Think of 8 KEY topics that you should be on the same page about in your relationship: Such as, Sex and Intimacy, Future Dreams, Adventures, Arguments, Trust and Commitment, etc...
This book talks about each and then sets you up for a romantic date night going through questions that provoke a beautiful conversation about these topics! Each date provides an "away from home" and "in the home" date option, and it's an easy way to talk about deep issues withOUT fighting, and WITH lots of closeness!
PS: The author has literally figured out the SCIENCE behind why some couples make it and why some don't. He has done TONS of research on studying the "Masters" and "Disasters" are relationships, and believe me, he knows what he is talking about.
This will not be some "fluff" book - this is really going to get you thinking and gift you REAL tools for connecting on even some of the trickiest topics.
Resources For Sex and Intimacy...
The Secret to Desire
In Long-Term Relationship
Desire in long term relationships feels like an oxymoron statement, right?
It feels impossible to think about being with someone forever and sex, passion, desire, and. intimacy NEVER losing it's momentum.
AND - it IS possible if you have the right awareness and tools. You don't have to just "accept" that you will lose physical interest in your partner as you move throughout the years!
Esther Perel is a BOSS at talking about desire, passion, affairs, and intimacy. This short 20 minute video will blow your mind and have you on a whole knew thought domino preparing to spark things up again with your partner
(or maintain what you currently have and don't want to lose!)
Come as You Are
Transform Your Sex Life
This book is the ultimate book for understanding woman's sexuality.
I can't tell you how many myths and false information that exist in the world about things such as sex drive, orgasm, and in general the entire sexual process for women... and therefore their romantic partners.
Read this, then you'll be recommending it to all your friends. Understand why your body does what it does (or doesn't do what you want it to do), why your sex drive is so high or so low, what having an orgasm and being pleasured by your partner is really about, and what gets in the way of you being able to express yourself the way you want to in the bedroom.
Cozy up on the couch and read this book in private - it has nothing on 50 Shades of Grey ;)
Sexual Connection
For a Lifetime
The author of "Come as You Are" talks about how a couple can truly sustain a strong sexual connection and attraction to one another for a LIFETIME.
Pair this up with Esther Perel's video in this section, and you'll have a million ideas on how to spark your sex life and keep the fire alive once and for all.
Pillow Talk
Cards For Intimate Conversations
This is a fantastic date for those couples wanting to work on their physical intimacy!
I'm talking wine, candles, soft music, curled up in bed, and asking each other these intimate (and sexy) questions. They aren't awkward, but they are nice and sensual!
If you're having sex, then you SHOULD be able to talk about it. These questions provide the perfect structure and stepping stone to doing that, and learning all the "unsaid" things your partner hasn't told you about what they need or desire in the bedroom!
Sex
How Sex Truly Operates
Shame gets in the way for MANY of us when we try to broach the subject of sex.
We struggle to be honest about what we need from each other intimately, and we lack a whole lot of vulnerability when it comes to sharing our history, our fantasies, and our preferences.
Well, it's time to stop being "generic" and trying to fit yourself into a perfect little box. This book goes through EVERY topic you can imagine on sex, whether it's fantasy talk, BDSM, kissing, oral sex, infidelity, sex drive, AND what we REALLY want with sex in our relationships.
PS: You might as well just buy ALL the School of Life books and have make sure you have this gorgeous piece of literature on your book shelf with them.
Resources For Infidelity...
Infidelity Ted Talk
Esther Perel
Infidelity and affairs happen WAY more often than you think they do AND they happen for surprising reasons that you wouldn't think of.
Most think that if someone has an affair, it means they don't love their partner anymore, or it means that they fell in love with someone else -->
And you know what? Neither is necessarily true.
Watch this 20 minute talk and you'll quickly find out the ACTUAL reason people tend to stray and cheat, and how you can protect your relationship from it (or help understand why you cheated and share the new understanding with your partner)!
PS: People who LOVE their partner cheat, AND it IS possible to recover after an affair, I promise.
The State of Affairs
Rethinking Infidelity
The book that pairs with the Ted Talk on Infidelity.
Ester talks all about why people cheat, how to explain to your spouse why you cheated, how to protect your relationship from the cheating, and how to make sure that you recover from an affair and launch into the relationship of your dreams after it.
This book had me highlighting EVERY page, all the sentences. I highly recommend it if you have ever been the cheater or been cheated on.
I promise, cheaters aren't cold hearted unloving people, and those that are cheated on aren't unlovable.
After the Affair
Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust
Have you been cheated on?
Did you end the relationship because of it? Or, maybe you're still in the relationship/marriage and trying to figure out how in the world you can still make this work?
Don't feel guilty for still loving your partner.
This book is going to help you process what in the world happened and also stand you back up on your two feet so that you can heal AND make the best decision for you when it comes to that relationship (or future others).
This book is literally the OG of affair books, and it has kept up it's popularity through the decades. If you've been cheated on, you'll feel like this book was written for you.
Resources For Dating...
Attached
The New Science of Adult Attachment
THIS BOOK - I probably recommend this book 10 times A WEEK. This is the GREATEST book for anyone that is on the dating scene or in a newer relationship.
Do you want to understand why you are always so anxious in relationships and why you feel the MOST chemistry for the "bad and unavailable" ones?
Or, maybe you want to understand why you feel this huge automatic wall that pops up right when things start getting serious in relationships that causes you to struggle to really commit EVER, even to someone that REALLY cares about you.
This book will open your eyes in a way that I can't even write into words. Even if you're not a reader, you will literally finish this in 3 days.
If you're ready to finally have control over whom you choose and to stop the terrible pattern you've been in - this is your resource.
Here is your new favorite book of the whole decade, you're welcome.
Wired for Dating
by Stan Tatkin
This is my next favorite book that is an amazing follow up to "Attached."
This book will go a little more into the "HOW" part of what the "Attached" book introduces and gives specific tools for making sure that while on the dating scene you are consciously choosing healthy partners, aren't falling into old patterns and traps, and that you don't waste anymore time on relationships that have dead ends.
Read this book now and let it guide you to finding and choosing your forever healthy partner, and then graduate to reading this author's "Wired for Love" book with that said partner.
Dating Cards
Insightful and Playful Encounters
If you're serious about finding a partner and completely sick of "dead end" relationships and things fizzling out before they even really get started - then grab this deck of cards.
This card deck has tons of super important (and hilarious) questions that I would recommend pulling out on date 3 or 4 that begins to direct the relationship towards a more serious tone and to allowing you to have clarity on if this relationship is one that you could really be in longterm!
PS: The partners that are ALSO looking for a more serious partnership and are ready for something permanent will NOT be scared off by you bringing out these cards - they will be RELIEVED that someone else is interested in actually going deep and is past the whole "what's your favorite color" speed dating question.
36 Questions
That Lead to Love
These 36 questions come from a scientific experiment and were later named "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love" -- HOW you might ask?
Well, the questions range in vulnerability and slowly become more in depth as you go along. The experiment pulled together two members of the opposite sex and had these two strangers sit down, answer all 36 questions back and forth with one another, and then engage in 4 minutes of eye contact (whoaaa, vulnerable). And you know what happened? MOST of them fell in love and ended up in a relationship after the experiment was over with.
There's an article in the New York Times on this study and it's a super fun game to play on one of the early dates with someone that you see potential with!
There are 3 stages of the questions, and I think it's fun to have stage 1 be a happy hour spot, stage 2 be your dinner spot, and stage 3 be finding another spot for dessert! There's lots of ways to spread out this date, have fun with it and don't forget to do the eye contact at the end!
Resources For Abusive Relationships...
Abusive Relationship
Domestic Violence, Ted Talk
Unfortunately, abusive relationships DO exist. And, there are so many mind games that go along with an abusive relationship, that it is easy to get lost in one and not even realize that you've been tumbling around in it for as long as you have.
This woman tells a moving story in just 20 minutes and opens your eyes to the signs that you might be in an abusive relationship, and then how to finally escape it if you are.
Human Magnet
The Codependent Narcissist Trap
This book will give you the most reassurance you've ever had in your life if you've been confused and feeling incredibly insecure after a relationship with someone that has Narcissistic tendencies.
This book explains just WHY you were so drawn to them, the damage that has been done while in a relationship with them, how to heal, and how to make sure you never end up in this kind of dynamic again.
Resources For Do I Stay?...
Too Good To Leave
Too Bad To Stay
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by- Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether Stay or Get out Your Relationship.
If you're struggling with the big question of:
"Do I count my losses and get out now without wasting more time? Or, do I give just a little bit more to see if maybe, just maybe, this could all be saved?"
No one wants to have a "What if" question in the back of their head as they stay longer in a relationship or while they walk away from one. This book is a fantastic book, both the physical copy and the audible, and will help to give you the clarity you've been looking for on counting your losses and moving on or giving it another big push to try and save the relationship you've had for so long.
Resources For Enneagram...
The Road Back to You
Journey to Self-Discovery
Wondering what the heck this Enneagram Rave is all about?
The Enneagram consists of 9 different personality types that we can all be divided into - AND it's scary accurate.
I'm an Enneagram 8 (Also known as "The Challenger") and this was the first book that I read that introduced me to it. Actually, I had a therapist friend take a picture of the "You might be an Enneagram 8 if...." page and send it to me declaring that I was ABSOLUTELY that one, Ha!
I think that learning about ourselves and being able to "type" others only helps us interact better. I know that my partner knowing that I'm an 8 and me knowing that he is a 3 (The Achiever) only has helped our relationship and making sure we don't fall into misunderstandings with one another!
The Complete Guide
The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Wondering what the heck this Enneagram Rave is all about?
The Enneagram consists of 9 different personality types that we can all be divided into - AND it's scary accurate.
I'm an Enneagram 8 (Also known as "The Challenger") and this is the OG of Enneagram books. It's heavy, it's big, and it's dense. AND, it has A LOT of amazing information in it.
I think that learning about ourselves and being able to "type" others only helps us interact better. I know that my partner knowing that I'm an 8 and me knowing that he is a 3 (The Achiever) only has helped our relationship and making sure we don't fall into misunderstandings with one another!
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Jourdan Virginia Bramwell, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, #1435
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